More than 50 years after pop singer Brenda Lee warbled her deep lament for hurting someone’s feelings, public apologies are more abundant than ever before.

Indeed, so many apologies now hurl forth daily from politicians, celebrities, CEOS, celebrities, coaches and other public figures that there is at least one website devoted to critiquing the practice. (Spend some time surfing SorryWatch, because nothing beats hilarious and educational.)

Yet despite the plethora of public apologies — Time magazine compiled a list of the 10 best apologies ever, including one from Plato — people still don’t apologize very well. So here’s a primer on apologies. A good one contains these elements:

• Take responsibility. You did something wrong, otherwise you wouldn’t need to apologize, right? So embrace your failure with “I really screwed up,” and not “Mistakes were made.” Mistakes don’t fall from the sky and randomly hit people.

• Be sincere and empathetic. If someone is suffering thanks to your mistake, you should feel guilty about that. Ashamed, even. Make sure your words say as much.

• Acknowledge consequences. Your mistake didn’t occur inside a vacuum. It triggered negative repercussions that caused difficulty and inconvenience for someone else. You need to recognize that.

• No excuses, no conditional language. Do not even with the “I’m sorry if…” Qualifying language like “I’m sorry if” has no place in a good apology. Likewise, there is never a good excuse for why you made a mistake. Does being drunk, or losing your job, or staying awake for three days bouncing a crying baby, or maintaining a vigil by a dying relative’s bed make your mistake any less onerous for the person suffering its consequences? No. No, it does not. Excuses undermine the value of your apology.That being said, you owe it to yourself and your victim to understand how your mistake occurred. Exactly what happened? And what steps are you taking to ensure it doesn’t happen again? The answers to those questions will drive your personal or professional growth.

• Make amends. You should offer a mitigation plan with your apology: “Here’s how I hope to fix this…” If you have no idea how to mitigate your mistake, have the courtesy to ask, “How might I make this up to you?” As the folks at SorryWatch so eloquently state, the point of an apology is to make someone feel better. You make someone feel better by trying to remedy your error. You do not make someone feel better by trying to promote yourself, save your business or limit liability.

A recent example of a public apology offered correctly comes from Levi Pettit, a University of Oklahoma student featured in an undercover video that went viral online. He was shown leading his fraternity brothers in singing a song that used a racial epithet, referenced lynching and boasted that the house would never admit black students.

Pettit didn’t just say he was sorry. He went a step further, meeting with leaders within his local black community to apologize personally and to begin volunteering on racial justice issues. His actions conveyed sincere regret, as well as his desire to learn from his mistake and apply his understanding to some larger societal good. And when Pettit finally went public with his apology, he was flanked by the very people he had hurt with his actions.
 

• Finally, move on. After you’ve apologized, made amends and learned from your mistake, dust off your hands and move on. Languishing in the painful past just hurts everyone involved more.

So too, unfortunately, was that neighbor.

When it came to light in court that he had regaled his friends with gory details about evidence – and even opined on the defendant’s guilt – the judge had no choice but to declare a mistrial.

And when my neighbor left the courtroom that day in utter disgrace, the news media had no choice but to ambush him.

With video rolling and lights ablaze, TV reporters shot footage of him being caught unaware – then clearly panicking, throwing both arms in front of his face, and running blindly into one courthouse wall after another before he mercifully launched himself into a men’s restroom stall and refused to come out.

That video was aired a LOT. And months later, when my neighbor faced a misdemeanor contempt of court charge, that video was aired some more. And when the second murder trial started, that video was aired again.

In the world of TV news, where good visuals mean everything, it doesn’t get much better than someone looking so obviously and ridiculously guilty. Appearance is everything.

Some PR people say the first rule of crisis communications is not to lie. But after watching my neighbor handle his personal communications crisis so very badly, I maintain that not lying is the third rule.

The first rule is not to panic. Take deep breaths and pause long enough to think.

The second rule is not to avoid communicating. Rather, you should embrace it. (This rule makes corporate lawyers blanch.) You almost always can be your best and most effective advocate.

The third rule, then, is never to lie – understanding that “not lying” doesn’t mean “reveal everything.”

How much more dignified my neighbor would have looked had he not panicked, and instead stopped long enough to make a non-comment comment such as, “I was surprised by the judge’s decision to declare a mistrial today. Thank you,” before calmly walking off.

Certainly, reporters would have shouted other questions, which he could have – and should have – ignored. But the resulting video would have shown a proud and calm man taking charge of his personal crisis instead of running around like a beheaded chicken. And while it would have been less entertaining for viewers and reporters alike, that is, after all, a key objective of effective crisis communications – minimize the negative attention.

So I was happy to accept an invitation to their Grand Opening event last night to see the new store with a good friend and glass of wine in hand.  The store is marvelous, spacious, well organized and stocked with a much wider range of products than could fit in the smaller Crabtree location.

After making my big $5 purchase last night (a spider strainer) I was handed a gift in a small signature Crate and Barrel box on my way out of the store.  It contained a lovely Iitalia candle holder and this card.

We often talk with clients about their corporate giving philosophy and the benefits it brings to their brand. This is a very nicely executed example.  I like that it:

• Cleverly uses the Crate&Barrel brand to create the Crate&Durham image
• Shares that my purchase and those made through their first weekend will benefit the Duke Children’s Hospital & Health Center.
• They made their grand opening about their community.
• They gave me a nice little gift.

Their gift and donation to Duke Children’s and the way it was executed made a retail store opening about more than retail sales, it become about me, my community and the hospital. Perhaps it was the Pinot, but the fun event, the gift, and the donation have strengthened my image of the Crate and Barrel brand.

So, if you are looking for an excuse to go this weekend, there you have it.

While the feds explore whether Mary Easley’s husband, former N.C. Gov. Mike Easley, violated any campaign rules as they relate to her hiring, I feel confident saying some of the folks involved violated three basic rules about communicating with the media.

These are rules we at Sinclair & Co. cover during media training with clients and they are pretty fundamental:

• Never lie. This seems like a no brainer, but time and time again people fail to heed this simple admonition. (Remember Richard Nixon? Bill Clinton?) Lying only makes your problem worse – and lies will always come to light.
• When you have bad news to share, share it early and quickly. Bad news is just like a stuck-on Band-Aid® – you must address it quickly. Sure, it’ll hurt like heck and you may even scream, but then the pain is gone. As N.C. State officials learned the hard way, taking off a bad-news bandage bit by painful bit prolongs the agony for everyone involved.
• Admit your mistakes – then move on. Martha Stewart is an excellent example of this. Sentenced to time in prison for insider training, Stewart came out ready to put the past behind her and move her career forward. Her prison time has become a mere mention in most articles; it’s no longer the primary focus.

The fundamentals of strong media relations really are the fundamentals of life – don’t lie, do the right thing and don’t dwell in the past.

I was so impressed last weekend with the crisis communications executed by Governor Bobby Jindal of Louisiana.  After watching him speak for just five minutes, even I knew what his key messages were.

Today I have been working with our client TriSure to share some important communications to help their clients prepare for Hurricane Hanna that is approaching North and South Carolina.  It’s true that preparing for a possible insurance claim is too easy to overlook while you’re busy protecting your assets and gathering provisions for your family, friends and pets.

There are a few pointers on their web site at http://www.trisure.com/hurricane.html that will help not only TriSure’s clients, but also businesses throughout North Carolina manage their risk and expedite the claims process.

As TriSure told its clients today: Prepare for Hurricane Hanna.  Keep an eye on Ike.

Over the years, I’ve heard clients say, “Oh, we went to that show and we never got any business out of it.” (It’s a variation of the “We put an ad in that magazine and never made a sale from it” complaint, but I digress.) That’s because clients view tradeshows as a one-way chance to “sell” themselves and collect leads. And they judge the show’s success on those rigid parameters.

Attending a trade show with the single goal of finding a hot prospect or landing a big contract is like being a pick-up artist in a single’s bar.

You know the guy. He’s got one goal for the night and it’s telegraphed like a big blinking sign on his forehead. Not interested? Fine. He’ll move on to the next target. He’s oblivious to all the cringing and eye rolling.

Please – don’t be that guy.

A tradeshow is simply an opportunity to meet people with whom you share a common interest.

Yes, MEET people. Talk to. Share a drink with. Introduce a colleague to. Sit beside at a seminar. Stand in line with at registration. Make a connection, however big or small.

Ideally, when you meet someone, you make an effort to remember her. Perhaps collect her business card. Offer to be a resource. Add her to your Linked In network. Follow up with useful information when you get back to the office.

In short, develop a relationship. She may never buy your product or service. But chances are, she knows someone who might.

Redefine your goals for tradeshows. Focus on meeting people, not just prospects. Measure success by the number of people you talk with, not the number of hot leads you bring back.

Have fun. Be approachable. Show interest. Follow up. You’ll build relationships for the long term. And that’s as lucky as anybody gets.

In the training materials that Emily and Karen Stinneford prepared, they provided some pointers on how to effectively deliver a message.  I’ll let them tell you more about those, but from my desk I was able to observe how they practiced what they preached.

In Emily’s material, she recommended keeping a dynamic conversation going with people you meet at tradeshows and networking events.  While Emily was presenting this material, she was very good at grabbing the participants (and my) attention by changing the energy of her voice, her tone, her inflection.  From my place across the room, I realized how these subtle changes do get your attention.

Karen Stinneford provided pointers on how to talk with reporters, and she stressed that talking slowly, clearly and concisely allows a reporter to understand your key messages and record them properly.  When Karen delivered her message, I noticed her talking in an even pace, and pausing to allow the audience to receive her message.

In this training it wasn’t just what Karen and Emily presented that taught the client how to be a strong, effective communicator, but it was also how they presented it.